| Good things happen to Bad people. |
[12 Nov 2009|03:56am] |
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The Weepies |
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I'm kinda bummed also. I've started running at the gym now. I like it. But I'm bummed about the austin stuff I just wrote about. I hate that things are the way they are. I don't wish we were dating, I don't miss him, I don't still 'like' him. I just want to be treated normal. Not like this chick he wishes he never knew or something. And I was happy today. I went to the gym before I learned he wasnt fired. And I didn't start thinking he may have been fired until a few days ago and at first, I was kinda bummed. I mean, yeah I hate the prick, but I guess I kind of just figured that eventually over time him and I wouldn't hate each other. We'd be back to casual conversation when I walked in, back to him telling me 'bye' when I left, back to mayube even having conversations while I'm on machines. we'd get passed this 'i hate you' thing. But then I thought he was just gone. The only place i see him at is there, and I was kinda disappointed I'd never be able to maybe fix things with him. Not fix it to where he 'likes' me or anything, but just be civil. But then I thought he was just gone. But then today, going to the gym, I was happy. I was happy that karma had knocked on his door. FINALLY he was gettign what he deserved for beign so shitty to me. Usually when people treat me like shit or do something awful to me, they just get to live on, barely affected by it. But I thought that THIS time, finally they had to pay for it. That FINALLY SOMEBODY got a little bit of what they deserved. but no. it's just another person that hurt me and treated me like shit that doesn't even care and that gets to just keep livin on with me never crossing their mind. Bad things happen to Good people. so i guess that means good things happen to bad people and so far, that's been proven. :\
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| blegh. |
[12 Nov 2009|03:43am] |
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So... turns out Austin was not fired. That's good I guess..? Today he was incredibly insulting and rude to me and I'm oddly REALLY bothered by it. You'd think I'd be used to his shitty behavior towards me by now but yeah what he called me tonight wasn't THAT bad, in fact, kinda true, but the situation is what upsets me. I was helping him out by letting him know a LOT of people are talking shit about him thinking he's been fired, and I asked him what happened to him, and he just made it so difficult. WHY DOES HE HAVE TO MAKE EVERYTHING DIFFICULT. What was hard? I was like 'hey, were you fired? ive heard a lot of talk from people about you since youve disappeared'. What was so hard about saying "No im not fired and i didnt quit, Im just on vacation'. Instead, it's 'why do you want to know', 'none of your fucking business'. 'its club business', etc. I mean, based on what I've heard like girls calling him a creep, stares at them inappropriately, etc and taking that stuff I've heard, and applying it to what I personally know about him, and knowing he's not fired, he didnt quit, and him making it seem like it's something big that I don't need to know, all that made me think he like, fucked some 15 yr old and is being charged with rape or something. I mean, WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT SAYING YOURE ON VACATION. He had to be a fucking jerk. And I don't take people's shit. If you're a jerk to me, I will treat you the same way. I was HELPING him, I was being a FRIEND to him even tho I shouldve fucking joined in talking shit. Instead my impulse was to let him know. and he calls me names and talks down to me? I've decided I'm going to address that to him when he's back. I'll try to catch him alone. maybe if he closes one day and Im there til close. idk. But it bothers me so much. he cant even LET me be nice to him. I don't pay $20 a month to be called those names and talked to this way. I've put up with it too long and I need to try and smooth out all these bumps he's intentionally made. I mean, I do nothing wrong, I do something NICE for him, I help him, and this happens? I don't understand. I can't win. I just can't stay afloat when it comes to him. I just want to be treated normal, like a person, with some respect. If he won't listen to what I have to say, I'm sure his boss will. I hate it's come to this, but I can't take it. He doesn't treat me with respect any day, not even when I do something nice to him. I go out of my way to do him a favor, and even then he treats me like garbage. And it just... upsets me at a surprising level. :\
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[11 Nov 2009|06:01pm] |
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The sound of Naser El Bathy's mindless database babble |
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Sometimes I wish the world would move faster. But it already moves so fast. Then, I wish people would move faster. But aren't we moving fast enough already? Well, what if we slowed down? Wouldn't that be nice? But then what happens to society.
It would be so much nicer to just sloooooooooow dooooooooown a little.
I often wonder how much nicer it was in the 1800s. I never thought I'd say that, but think about it! There would be so much less we would need to know ALL the time. There would be so much less stress.
Maybe, if we did it again, fewer people would be driven by money EXCESSIVELY. Money is okay, wealth is unnecessary. Security is important, lavishness is too much. Isn't it enough to prosper? Or must we always compete? Must we always be THE ONE? The BEST one?
No.
My soul is done screaming. My subconscious is done contradicting itself.
What are your thoughts?
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| Cash Money and karma |
[11 Nov 2009|03:48am] |
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mood |
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I am insane. At this moment in time. And I've said too much. FUCK.
I NEED to start listening to my friends. But what friends do I listen to? Some of my CLOSEST OF CLOSE friends tell me I should do one thing, but my lesser good friends tell me the other. Some of my closests friends tell me don't do it, dont give them a chance, but other close friends say to do it. And the ones who have said to not, or told me to listen to my friends more are the ones that have been right in situations before. I don't want to act against them, because if shit gets destroyed, proving them right once again, I'll feel stupider and look stupider. And I'd get a shit ton of "I told you so"s thrown my way.
blegh. I forgot to buy conditioner tonight. damn it.
I got this check from MCC for the class I withdrew from a while ago, but it doesn't look legit. So I went to the financial place and asked if it was legit and they said yes. but I'm afraid to take it to the bank and cash it because what if it's NOT legit?? or what if they think it's not? then I'll look retarded!
classes are registered for. yesssssssss. Got two papers to write tomorrow.
It's funny how people change. Like hating their one boyfriend smoking weed, then not caring at all the other one does it constantly. or doing it themselves.
Lindsey needs help. I'm worried about her and she's outta control. she's not the lindsey I used to know and I'm really really worried about her. she needs some sort of role model or something. she's only a junior and all this has happened with her so soon. she hates it and tells me she hates it but she cant stop it. :[
I think Austin got fired. :] karmaaaaaaaaaaa
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[09 Nov 2009|09:01pm] |
KILL YOURSELF
NYUKA
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[04 Nov 2009|05:37pm] |
There are two things that I have developed a new love for: Thai food and The Golden Girls.
I just talked to Andrew Martin for the first time in goddess only knows how long. It was a good talk.
That's all I have to say.
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| Brb |
[05 Nov 2009|07:37am] |
my god sits in the back of the limousine
my god comes in a wrapper of cellophane
my god pouts on the cover of the magazine
my god's a shallow little bitch trying to make the scene
I have arrived and this time you should believe the hype
I listened to everyone now I know that everyone was right
I'll be there for you as long as it works for me
I play a game
it's called insincerity
starfuckers
starfuckers
starfuckers, inc.
starfuckers
I am every fucking thing and just a little more
I sold my soul but don't you dare call me a whore
and when I suck you off not a drop will go to waste
it's really not so bad you know once you get past the taste, yeah
(asskisser)
starfuckers
starfuckers
starfuckers, inc.
starfuckers
all our pain
how did you think we'd get by without you?
you're so vain
I bet you think this song is about you
don't you?
don't you?
don't you?
don't you?
now I belong I'm one of the chosen ones
now I belong I'm one of the beautiful ones
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| life really sucks right now |
[04 Nov 2009|03:36am] |
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I wish my nana was still alive. I wasn't all that close with her. But I loved her. What kills me the most is that she was really the only person my mom had. My mom will tell me sometimes how she had the urge to call her, or how she almost dialed her mom's number, etc. How she really wanted to talk to her but forgot she couldnt. And it just kills me. As much as my mom has put me through, I still love her. And I hate to see her how she is. Her sister and brothers could care less about her. My dad hates her and wishes everyday she wasn't in his life. She can't drive, can barely walk, can't go anywhere. She has no friends. I'm all she has to talk to. I feel so horrible how fast my Nana went. She was fine one day, then had trouble breathing, went to the doctors and had to get a triple bipass surgery done on her heart when she was 80 years old. She went in for the surgery, came out in a coma she never got out of. And I feel awful that my mom spent the last months she could've spent with her mom in her own coma for her own stupid shit. She never got to see her mom, or say good bye to her. She didn't get to hug her and kiss her bye or say anything, or say sorry for what she did. And my nana never got to see her daughter healthy and ok again.
I feel tied down here. In warren, at macomb, at red lobster. I shouldve applied to Wayne at least by now. Or oakland. Somewhere. But I don't want to leave I think. A part of me can't leave yet. I can't move ahead in life becuase I can't leave my mom behind. I don't want her to have nobody to talk to. I don't want her to spend all day just watching tv with Christine and listening to Christine talk about stupid shit like wrestling and power rangers that my mom doesnt give a damn about. I maen, my stupid shit about austin and keith and work drama and bull shit isn't the best shit to hear about but she likes me talkign to her about real things. And i like her knowing it and listening. And if I leave, she's left with my sister and my dad who is a dick for no reason to her. I don't want my mom ot feel alone and be miserable. So I just can't leave her yet. My best cure is to get away from this place adn these people, but where it would be the best for me to get away from them, I can't leave them at the same time. I told my mom that maybe one day i'd move out of state somewher warm and start life out there, and that maybe I could bring her with me. She asked me to bring her. She said '...you'd take me with you?' and i said 'maybe' and she said '...yeah. please dont leave me here.' and it just hurts me so much that she's so alone and hurt. My mom was great. She was crazy like me, but in a good/happy way. She was happy full of energy and smart adn pretty. and gave my dad her best and it just was destroyed. My dad was the drunk first, and that brought her down.
I hate how things have turned around. I used to be close with my dad. I used to go everywhere with him. Shopping and all his errands. I wanted to hunt like him, learn cars like him, etc. And now I can't stand being in teh same room at him. I try to get out of the house before he gets home, and come home after he's back home in bed. I avoid him. I don't respect him at all. I can't respect a cheater. I just think back to how awful that day was when my mom attempted suicide. all the things said and heard. all the emotions i felt, the odd looks my grandpa gave my dad when he asked where my dad was til noon on a sunday morning. the odd look he gave him when my dad said he fell asleep at a woman's house when making meat balls for my grad party. the way the officers tried to 'surprise' me with the information my dad's an adultrous assbag even tho I alreayd knew. the way my dad looked at me when i told him back at home i knew already. the look of shame he had when he saw i couldnt look him in the eye anymore. the look of shame he had becuase he knew it was that moment his daughter had lost all respect for him. he's hurt me so much. my mom was a lot of things, but she never hurt him like that. He was the one person I admired in this family. that I said that despite all the shit thrown our way, he still managed to stay a good person. that all went away. And now here I am practically hating my dad, and my relationship is now with my mom who I used to despise tothe greatest depths. And a part of me feels like I'm goign to lose my mom soon. She was talking about her cough. that it reminds her of her aunt's when her aunt had lung cancer and found that out by her cough. I just picture my mom getting diagnosed. I don't know what i'll do. I don't want to be alone with my dad. I like telling my mom things. I like her listening and being there. And I don't want to lose that too.
I feel like I'm getting old fast and doing nothing with myself. I just don't feel like I can do anything with myself yet. I have to clean up old messes first before I can be free to make new ones. I just don't know how to clean up these messes.
School is fucked for at least another year. Work sucks ass. Hours are cut, i can't get another job becuase I'll be having more classes next semester adn work from the first job. I'm not making shit at red lobster anymore. hours had to be cut because endless shrimp ended but seems like only my hours were cut. I work less than 20 hours a week. that doesnt cut with my bills. Things with guys are going to hell. only weirdos and assbags pursue me. people say things like 'well at least guys want you' but if you see these guys... you dont want them to want you lol. It's not that often I like a guy that likes me back, or a guy likes me I like back. usually the guy likes me but i just dont liek them. But whenever I do decide 'hey i like you too' they turn out to be a shithole. and im tired of that noise. makes me not want to bother with men at all. because if every guy i go for that likes me is gonna be shit, then fuck it. I don't need a relationship, i don't really even want one. it would be nice to do date things, buy each other xmas gifts, cuddle and watch movies, etc. But I don't NEED that. Half the time I dont even want it at all. I like being single. Just times like this when I feel life sucking the most when I wish that ther was one area of my life that was ok, and that one area could be a relationship. I could have that. But thena gain, it's me. and good areas doesnt happen usually. I've made a big mistake wiht men the past few months. I've realized that I don't even always look at a guy and pursue him. I pursue a relationship, the guy is basically irrelevant. I look past the flaws that the guy isnt' funny, the guy can crack a joke but cant take one, he's too serious, he uses too much gel sometimes, his laugh is like nails on a chaulk board, still owes me taco bell money even tho he has a better paying job then me, has a shitty car, is clingy as fuck, bitches constantly, I look past all that becuase in my mind 'fuck that shit, if i care about all that then this relationship wont happen'. I accept the flaws so the relationship can happen. Even tho I shouldnt like that fuckign guy becuase he sucks at everything. I'm stupid. I should've cut that shit out after th first time I hung out with him. I'm over it but yet I'm not. I dont like him, I don't give a shit about him, yet I still get pissed off when I see him or hear him or see him look at me. I still get mad when I see him textign while he's working, thinking about how many times he must've just checked his phone adn put it right back in his pocket when he saw it was me. Hearing him say good bye to some person then talk to the chick he's standing next to about how much that girl he said by to hates him, knowing how many times and how many people he mustve told that I hate him everytime I've left without looking at him. Looking at him walking around talkign on his phone while working, remembering when the person he was talkign to on that phone used to be me. Looking over at the counter where he's laughing and flirting with some chick, remembering that chick used to be me and he'd start singing 'alll by myyyyyselffff' everytime I'd say 'ok i REALLY have to go this time'. Looking over at him and seeing him dancing around his uncomfortable co-worker, remembering him doing the michael jackson dance in my driveway at 4am. whenI walk in that hellhole and look up at him and catch eye contact with him and remember that stupid first tiem I ever stepped in that place with Johnna and made eye contact with him. And the stupid brown color of his fuckign eyes when i wrestled with him in his car for a half hour to get my keys waiting for him to quit being too scared to kiss me. I fuckign hate him, but I dont once I think of the past. the things I hate automatically make a connection with things I liked from the past which make me unable to hate him. And that i hate. and I can't quit because that's letting him win. And because I can't just run away adn hide from every mistake i make.
I just hate my life more then usual at this moment in time.
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| so man dudes. |
[03 Nov 2009|03:14am] |
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Jay Z |
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TOnight, got crazy.
So, there's this guy who will remain nameless who's a few years older than me, went to tower, etc. He's basically been all on my non-existent nuts lately. Commenting on my shit, facebook chatting me every time I'm online, giving me his number, asking why I never texted him, etc. take a hint buddy. But yeah. I don't really know much about him, but teh things I have heard aren't the best. A lawsuit against him for statutory rape? yeah... might pass on that one. Yeah there are '2 sides to the story' but... idk. But anyways, he's been buggin on me. I don't want to text him because then he'll have my number. and I don't want to be bothered.
There's this other guy. Who also will remain nameless who also went to tower and graduated with me. He friends with a different crowd that I've associated with in the past a bit. He's also been on my nuts lately too. It started with me facebook requesting him, him messaging me 'do i know you', me saying we graduated together, and him saying i was cute. Then that went to him facebook chatting me constantly, and giving me his number. He's leaving in the military tho soon and I've went that route before, not good. And, I'm not going to just do someone for the hell of it when they leave in a few weeks. especially if I don't know them. I mean, come on. who's really that easy? Well, I got bored tonight. And again, I didn't want to text this guy because I didnt' want him to have my number adn bother me in teh future. But like i said, I got bored and wanted to raise a little hell. I texted him. just normal stuff. 'hey it's jen k...', he was all 'hey not much, whatre you doing', i said 'watching intervention' then literally the next thing I knew, this guy was asking me shit like 'what do you want me to do to you', and what my fav position was, etc. I mean... WHAT. ALL I SAID WAS 'I'm watching intervention. this chick marci's addicted to meth. it's great'. And THIS HAPPENED. I was just like 'wow, youre really straight to the point arent you?'. And that only got me in a more uncomfortable spot. As he kept resending me nasty texts because I wasn't responding, I eventually just told him 'i think i want to go to bed'. And he said 'good night tight vagina'. REALLY?! Does this shit actually work for him with chicks? because I'm a little grossed out. he told me to text him tomorrow whenever I want. I'm thinking that I'm not going to. yeahh...
And in edition to this guy, there's another guy I used to go to school with that I reunited wiht via facebook who used to be this quiet guy in band and now trains to be a professional fighter and isn't so quiet who I started talking to who asked me to the movies. I'm not lookin for anything, but this guy was the most respectful of them all at least and with the least repulsive personality and approach so far.
Anyways... tonight was a bad night with men. I feel very crowded. lol. facebook can clearly be the devil.
Tomorrow I'm hanging with Emily, going to the gym, getting a doctor's note for work about my wisdom teeth, calling about my ticket, and takign my mom to the bank. And avoiding any awkward text messages I may get. lol. oh boy. what do i get myself in to? yeesh. DA HORN TOMORROW WITH EM! im excited. havent been there in literally months. they're prolly worried lol.
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| Question at StepMania |
[03 Nov 2009|12:37am] |
I have questions.
1=How much is the influence that I gave to this industry?
2=Am how much I famous in this industry?
(industry=StepMania World)
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| Future StepMania Plan |
[02 Nov 2009|07:15pm] |
Okay, My StepMania works planning.
1=Use "Mine" Keyboard step.
2=Some old release files are add Double Steps.
And, Now here in Old released StepMania files upload to "Bemanistyle".
1 Day can upload to 3 files.
I made now 332 files.
Now here in uploaded Bemanistyle to 60 files.
At last 272 files.
Almost need so....... 91Days!!
OMGWTF!!
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| HALLOWEEN 09! |
[01 Nov 2009|05:13pm] |
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mood |
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Not Your Year -The Weepies |
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I just downloaded a shit ton of Owl City and I thought about Emily :]
Yesterday was halloween and it was a really good one. I dressed up as a witch for a while when I was passing out candy waiting on Johnna and Heather. Then I changed clothes into a flannel and wore a dragon/demony mask for a while when passing out candy. Then heather got to my house, we talked and played some catch up, then johnna got there and the trick or treating had ended and we headed to KFC to get me some mashed potatoes and biscuits. I wore my mask through the drive-thru and it got some good laughs. I also stuck my head out the car window and stared at people that we passed lol. After that, we stopped by Lindsey's house because Eric was hosting a bonfire there and it's been tradition for the past 2 years to see ERic on Halloween, so we stopped by there to see him for the 3rd year in a row. Then we headed to Johnna's Aunt Shirley's house for her party to get Bailey but ended up staying there for a bit drinkin some PBR and eatin some jello shots while doing lemon drop shots. It was johnna's grandpa's side of the family mainly so a lot of older people but so much happened. There was a lot of dancing going on for an older crowd, and a lot of talk about dildos, areolas, cocks, cock rings, and glow sticks lol. It was fun though. I've started to embrace the fact that johnna's family pretty much IS a second family to me. I've always known that lol, but I've been timid and shy towards them, and I'm starting to cut that shit out. Pictures will be on facebook soon lol. Also, heather was saying 'fuck' a lot in front of johnna's family hahahaha it was hilarious. But we all startd to, including the family. I cant really explain all that happened but, it was fun. After that, we grabbed bailey and headed to johnna's grandparent's house adn watched Saw 4 and 5 and called it a night.
My halloween wasn't full of getting drunk and costume consistency but, it was anohter great, unique one that will never be 100% repeated with people that I love. and i wouldnt exchange this halloween or last year's for any of these drunken crazy nights I'm hearing about all across facebook.
Marty called me last night drunk lol. And it was a really nice convo. he told me he loved me like a sister and said a lot of good stuff and it made me feel really warm and fuzzy lol. I mean, marty i also love just like a brother. and that's how i describe marty and I's friendship. Johnna and Marty are like those siblings I never had. Eric is that amazing best friend who's also like a sibling to me who tells me the things I don't alawys want to hear but he's straight with me. I love them. I know I'm not friends with many people I used to be friends with a year ago, but I'm happy with it that way. I feel like I've gotten a lot of garbage out of my life. I said I was done with shitty people and I feel like it's all weeded out just about. I have great people around me. heather, johnna, eric, marty, keith, lesser keith, emily, tina, etc. I need to work on strengthening those bonds moreso. Especially with emily. I feel like we were definitely closer a few months ago and I want it to be like that again, but obviously with some changes that will help solidify that bond again. And eric, i need to make sure I see him more than I have been. And I want to go up to U of M to visit tina more and to MSU to see Heat more. I'm done apologizing to other shitty people for nothing just to satisfy them tho. People do awful things to me and hurt me and then say they do nothing or are doing nothin wrong and it's not true. and I tell them it's shitty and hurtful, and they tell me to get over it and expect me to apologize. No. I'm not going to say sorry for them hurting me anymore. This really only applies to one person in particular for now, but also in general. I've taken the bullet in so many situations that I shouldntve and I'm done with that. New me in the making! :]
I NEED MONEY ASAP. lol I'm so tired of being broke :\
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