| whateves |
[24 Jul 2008|01:08am] |
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Today was very... interesting.
I'm now officially scared.
Today my phone broke in half. I threw it at the floor because it kept turning itself on, then off again, then on again, etc. So I then ventured out with Gay Corey to the Sprint store, since he too was having phone issues. We got there and I was amazed. This place is set up just like a hospital, but for PHONES. But yeah, they had to examine my phone to concur that it was broken, and after a half hour of waiting, they came back and told me that it was broken and I'd need a new one (obviously). But despite the stack of phones identical to mine sitting next to him, they had to order me one and its being shipped in sometime between today and monday.
Then I had to venture into 'The Clem', or as I dubbed it for similarities in the name, 'The Clap', aka, Mt. Clemens to take corey to his mom's house. Then we ate at McDonalds and when I got to Corey's I finally called Mrs. Burkett (eric, you can sleep easier now lol, btw, I did mention you). Apparently I'm the topic amongst many band moms. I'm glad that someone told Mrs.Burkett kinda what happened because I wanted her to know but I guess it was too hard to talk about at the time. Even Mrs. Denewith was concerned about me. But we talked and I told her what happened and that she's gotten slightly better and she told me a bit about how her mom was and asked me if I have been talking to friends about it and leaning on people and I told her about johnna, eric f, tina, corey, and mrs. bertrand, and kristi. And she said that was good and she asked how my dad was doing and stuff. But I'm glad i talked to her and it feels nice that she's concerned for me even though I've graduated.
Tomorrow I'm suppose to hang out with Jenny Sula. Maybe we'll do something else besides coffee this time. Who knows, but coffee is still fine. Then later I'm suppose to see the midnight showing of 'Step Brothers' with johnna and her cousin people. That should be fun.
my dad just got home from work. he's a real dick sometimes. and now here he comes to yell at me for being on the internet... blah blah blah...
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| Life after college |
[23 Jul 2008|05:50pm] |
I finally figured out what I am going to do after college. I have decided that I will (99% sure) join the Peace Corp. The reason is because the world is going to hell. There are so many problems in the world that being human without being corrupted is hard. There is an insufficient amount of nice people in my life because only a few people I know do good things for other people even if others do good things for them. All this can be solved if there was peace in this world. However, I know that world peace will never be fully achieved. Peace can only be increased but never to the levels of world peace. Some people will always be stubborn and never want change and that is why world peace can never be fully attained.
I want to help make this world a better place to live. I always thought that I would make this world better if I helped end the reign of the corrupted people who have power, like rich businesspeople and their families who look down upon everyone. This is an unrealistic approach to help the world because it is not the biggest reason why there is not enough peace in the world. The most realistic approach is to directly help other people. It will not only improve some people's lives it will also set an example of what other people should do in their life. I may not win the Noble Peace prize but i will certainly help promote peace in the world.
I've talked about my future. Now I will talk about the present. As the fall gets closer and closer, I am worried about the classes I decided to take. I am taking 2 explicitly stated required classes and one that looks a little interesting. I have one more class but which class i decide to take will determine which major design class for my major. My major design would either be digital signal processing or integrated circuits. I have a month to decide which one. They both sound interesting but they both have drawbacks.
Work is okay but boring at times. I have 2 jobs and both have pros and cons. Bursley gets boring but there are some fun people to talk to. CSE is always changing but no one to talk to. At Bursley, i usually make origami when there is down time.
Some people have finally shown their true colors and turns out it is not a good thing.
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[23 Jul 2008|02:43pm] |
I have developed a newly found love for cooking. I'm pretty positive I cook my own meals probably 90% of the time - the only exceptions being if I'm going out to eat or if my Mom decides to make dinner. There is something to be said for tasting stuff you cook yourself as opposed to a bowl of cereal or a god damn Hot Pocket.
It is going to be a sad day when I have to go back to eating cafeteria food. :(
Maybe (I'm staying in the dorm """suites""" with 3 other friends next semester) when they said our dorm had a "kitchen" that meant a stove. That'd be tight.
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| I love when people make me smile |
[23 Jul 2008|12:02am] |
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mood |
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SO... I've decided that what happened with my mom is probably THE strangest thing that's happened in real life to anybody I know. And that includes people who are 'a friend of a friend', relatives, friends, people I've met once, etc. EVERYONE i've possibly come into contact with. I'm going to sign up for Oprah.
My dream of becoming the best spanish-speaking chick ever has failed and I must withdraw from Spanish. I have to be there for my mom and dad. Not Senora Williams, although I love her to death. lol.
My mom is doing 'miraculously better'. That's what Dr. Pulmer said today at the meeting. Her EEG (brain activity test thingy) shows significant improvement in the part of the brain they originally thought was permanently 'vegetative'. The only thing I'm afraid of is if she'll get worse out of nowhere. And now, yes she's gotten better, but they have no idea how much better she'll get. This could be it. And I know my mom wouldn't want to spend the rest of her life in a bed being able to mouth a few things people understand here and there.
Today I played Taboo with Mike Linington, Skiddy, and Tina. Eric and I only lost by one point because tina changed the rules to her advantage lol. She told me that she had talked with keith and that he 'sounded genuinely concerned' about my mom. I mean, I know that keith and I's... friendship?.. or whatever it is/was has been one weird roller coaster, and even though I'm not sure if we're on speaking terms now or not, it really feels nice that he cares. There have been moments where I've thought the worst of him and this kind of thing shows me he truly is a great guy and my first intuitive feeling about him was right despite everything else. I mean, ok, maybe he can't spell 'tomorrow' the same way twice, but he's an overall good guy and I'm really proud of him for bein in the airforce and being able to see new places like Japan. His gf's lucky. Plus, men in uniform = HOT. But I've tried to talk to him like a friend but I haven't been too successful. I know, it probably seems stupid of me to try to talk to him after everything but I guess that I'm just afraid that he'll think people forgot about him the longer he's gone and I don't want him to feel alone. I know what it's like to feel alone, but to feel alone in a foreign country, that'd be worse and I guess I know how it feels for peopel to forget about you, and I wouldn't want to be one of thsoe poeple who forgot about him. eh oh well.
in conclusion, my mom is finally showing some good signs and it made me smile today when tina told me that.
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[22 Jul 2008|02:26pm] |
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The more I listen to it, the more I am convinced that the best boss music in video game history belongs to StarFox 64.
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| Oh, and a little side note. |
[20 Jul 2008|10:23pm] |
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mood |
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 lonely |
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I feel like there are only a few people out of all my friends that actually give a damn about me with my whole situation with my mom.
Johnna (and her mom, grandparents, sister, etc).
Eric Folkmire.
Tina.
Kristi.
And most of the time Corey, Karly, and Jenny.
Johnna, Eric, Tina, and Kristi are the ones that are there for me most of the time and check on me.
I could make a gigantic list of all the people I thought would be listed here as people that actually cared. I love and appreciate and am sooo glad that I have johnna, tina, eric, and those few people there for me and idk what i'd do without them, it's just sad for me to see that only those few people actually give a damn.
*sigh*
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| La la la... update on mi madre |
[20 Jul 2008|10:05pm] |
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mood |
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 thankful |
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Well, first off, I am going to officially withdraw from spanish tomorrow. I have to. Tuesday is another meeting with doctors about my mom and very possibly the day that we pull the plug on her and therefore, the day that she will pass away. And I'd have to miss spanish tuesday for the meeting, then if my mom passes away, I doubt I'll be in much shape to go to spanish class wednesday, or ever again due to the funeral, etc. *sigh* oh well.
But today with my mom, I went to visit her around 4ish. I walked into the room and i went to her side and I said "hey mom! jennifer's here!" and right away her eyes shot open and she looked at me. Not just into space, but AT me. Then I was kinda surprised so I was just like "oh yay!! you opened your eyes!" Then I started to cry and she kept looking at me and I said to her "I love you mom" and then i looked away but then noticed she was moving her mouth. So I was surprised and I thought that she had mouthed 'i love you too' but I thought I was crazy so I asked her "did you just say you love me? can you say it again?' and I said "i love you" and she mumbled 'I love you too' at least 3 other times after that for me :] Then I asked her if she could hear me and she mouthed 'yeah' and I told her that we were sorry and i asked if she knew we were and she said 'yeah' then I said "you know that everyone always has and will love you right?" and she said yeah. Then I said "you didn't mean for this to happen right?" and she said yeah. Then i told her I was going to call dad and she said 'ok'. Then I came back and her eyes were still open and I told her I loved her and she said it back again. Then I asked her that if she is comprehending what I'm saying to her, to squeeze my hand and she did. Then I asked her "mom, open and close your eyes if this is a lot of work and you want rest" and she did. So I let her rest. Then a few hours later I went to see her and she wouldn't do these things for me again but I told the doctor about it and he didnt really say anything so who knows. But oh my god that made me feel so happy when she did this and it scared and surprised me.
:] my mom always was full of surprises in situations like these. I only hope this miracle is only the beginning of a much larger miracle. :]
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| Want to StepMania... |
[19 Jul 2008|10:02pm] |
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What are you requesting from StepMania?
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| i need a hug. I miss people. Trimming. |
[18 Jul 2008|05:11pm] |
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lonely |
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I miss skiddy. I'm very glad he's enjoying himself in Kzoo and can't wait to have him back.
I miss griz. I wish he wasn't so whipped by melissa. I wish I could say something to him for once and not here it regurgitated out of her mouth. I'm glad he's happy and I don't blame melissa because he's perfectly capable of making plans with someone other than his girlfriend for once and I know melissa isn't sitting there saying 'you can't hang out with anybody except or without me'. I wish I could tell him how I feel with him having disappeared but then i know melissa will hear it and think im blaming her and then give me an ear-full of her unwanted opinion.
I miss eric thompson. I haven't spoken to him in weeks. Kinda the same reason I guess as griz. Although, at least from Griz I occasionally get him rubbing his brand new laptop in my face with its face recognition, along with every other friend of mine rubbing their new laptops in my face. Too bad I have to pay for a funeral soon so laptops can wait for me.
I also miss Elizabeth. She moved to AZ yesterday. I hope she doesn't get sunburned.
I miss getting breakfast with austin and griz.
I miss seeing zoob making funny faces outside my spanish class.
I miss going to my spanish class.
I miss Jeff and my black friend Demetria.
I miss melissa not being such a bitch, and I miss heather. But just like with griz, it seems like I can only see heather when melissa is with her.
*le sigh*
It figures my close friends would all disappear at a time like this. At a time when I need them most, with the exception of skiddy and johnna. I mean, I would've always thought of friends like griz as the type of person who when I told him that I didn't think I could bounce back from the loss of my mom that he'd show up at my house and kidnap me and be like 'niglet, you're getting ice cream with me' or something like that. But now, none of the people I thought were like that, I've learned that they arent. Instead, the only time most of them ask how I'm doing is after i thank them for bragging about their laptop to me yet again. *sigh*.
G. Eric is the only friend really that hasn't surprised me in a disappointing way yet.
I've begun trimming my friends. I dont need people in my life that hurt me right now. So i must erase them. Out of sight, out of mind right? In my buddy list, I've deleted many people, including eric and griz and even lindsey due to her sudden pot addiction even though she fucking 15. I've edited my top friends on the space as well. I'll be going through and trimming friends from that soon too. *sigh*. Childish? Maybe. But I can't have reminders of people that disappoint me or hurt me right now.
grad party's cancelled. bummer.
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[18 Jul 2008|12:26pm] |
Haha, what is this? Why does it always take me a week to talk about stuff? Meh.
I guess I have an excuse this week--I had a presentation to give this morning about stuff I didn't really (and kind of maybe still don't) understand. I've been scrambling all week to absorb as much as possible to be able to talk about it, and it actually went pretty well. Well, my adviser said 'Good talk' or some such, so I guess it was ok. Yay for rain models.
Anyway, I think I'll work backwards. Maybe then I can actually remember everything I wanted to mention. This past Wednesday was pretty awesome. Kate, Kristin and I went down to the art fair and covered the whole southern gallery. A lot of it was really cool, but of course some was just weird. An experience! And a pleasant one. We're going back this evening, should be equally cool. So long as the weather cooperates--oops, I probably shouldn't have said that. =)
Anyway, the past weekend was pretty much all around amazing. Saturday, a bunch of us all met up at SpringHill since it was Nari's 21st (haha, she's old now, too) and spent the day hanging out. Nari wanted to take us out trail riding (which was awesome), so she let us help catch the horses and tack them up. Well, as much as our various levels of experience allowed. I got to bareback twice! But since we spent pretty much the majority of the afternoon on horses, I have only just recently stopped being sore. Totally worth it. We also got a grand tour of the camp from expert tour guides Mike and Christina. There was game playing and a campfire, and we took her into the city for non-camp-food dinner. Overall, very awesome time. Nari even got to jump a bit in the ring, so she was super happy.
So after booking it home Sunday morning, I went out bridesmaid dress shopping with Kate, Meredith and Jenny. I had a lot of fun, which doesn't usually accompany trying clothes on for me. Kate's decided that she's picking the color of our dresses (a beautiful navy blue), but letting each of us choose our own styles--which of course I think is a stroke of genius. We each ended up picking a different dress, but they all have a few hints of continuity so it's going to look really awesome. And I love mine; it kind of looks like something out of Pride and Prejudice, to quote Kate. But overall, it was also very stress-free, which is also good. It actually took us less than an hour to all choose our dresses, so we went and just hung out to talk afterward. Very agreeable.
And I think besides the fact that my cousin in Nevada is coming up this weekend, that's all with me. I'm excited I get to see him and his family, since obviously that doesn't happen much anymore. I am significantly less excited about the baby shower for my other cousin next weekend, but I suppose that can't be helped. *sighs* I've also realized I'm rapidly running out of July and should probably get on track for grad school apps. Ack!
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| I don't want to... |
[18 Jul 2008|01:31am] |
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I'm dealing with it all alone. just like everything else I've been through.
I don't want to lose her.
when I get pregnant, who the hell is going to remind me that I can't eat sushi? or make sure I'm taking those stupid pre-natal pills or whatever? Who's going to tell me everyday that I'm beautiful, or call me a smartass, or talk to me for hours at 3 in the morning when we both can't sleep? I need her to laugh at me when I bitch about random things, I need her to make me coffee in the morning, to wake me up for school, to give me back scratches when I'm sick.
I need her to care about me and be there.
we've been through everything imaginable. good and bad.
I don't want to lose her this time.
she's fought and bounced back from everything else.
she HAS to bounce back from this too.
she's beaten cancer twice, alcoholism, satanism, drugs, molestation (she was molested as a kid), EVERYTHING.
she HAS to beat this too.
I need a miracle. SHE needs a miracle.
Tomorrow I have to go to MCC to talk to someone to see if I can get my absences in Spanish excused due to my situation. I just, don't have the energy to wake up everyday when I stay up until 4am crying and try to get up at 6 to study. I can't study because when I try to think, I think of her. I need all my energy for my mom. If they say no, I'll have my social worker Tracy call them and tell them what's up and see what happens. Then after talking with MCC, I'm going to the police station to personally thank the detective for not allowing me to see my mother until sunday, an entire WEEK later and to inquire about when we get our stuff back and to see if they can tell me how long my mom laid, bleeding to death for. Then from there I'm going to my mom's usual doctor, Dr. Shanta, to inform her of what has happened to my mom so she knows. Then from there I'm gonna pop in and say hi to johnna at Tim Hortons, then go down to the hospital to see my mom and talk with Tracy. Then I'm going home to water the flowers and grass, and maybe even clean out the gutters.
busy day tomorrow.
get better mommy :]
<3
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| sad... |
[16 Jul 2008|09:29pm] |
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*sigh* The doctors tell me that she has no brain activity and never will get it. Yet, she can grab my hand, blink her eyes sometimes and open her mouth. Then we ask about it, and they say it means nothing. Then I talk with her and her heart rate goes up when she hears my voice and when I cry it goes down like she's sad that I'm crying. Then I talk to her today and she looks atme and keeps blinking and opening and closing her eyes whenever I ask her to.
but this all means nothing? isn't it some kind of mental improvement?
My aunt is a giant bitch who should be shot. She blames me and my dad, she tells the doctor right in front of us that she did it because she had a bad home life. I could feel my dad get hurt when she said that so I immediately said "UNBELIEVABLE!" and she just shut the fuck up and looked at the ground. Then the doctor told her in front of us that the husband typically has the ultimate say in when to pull the plug and she said 'well, we can stop that' and i got soooo pissed off. I yelled "ohhhh I'm about to get pissed right now!" and she lookedat the ground then left. I'm sooo infuriated at her.
My mom will move her lips sometimes when I talk to her. it looks like she's trying to mumble 'jennifer' some times, and other times it looks like 'i love you'. I know I sound crazy.
I was in the car today on the way back from the hospital (i actually didnt cry when there this time) and the song "a hero lies in you' by mariah carey came on and i started balling. Then another song came on and it reminds me of how i feel and my situation. It makes me cry when i listen to it.
here's the lyrics:
'Lost' -michael buble:
I can't believe it's over
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the writing that was on the wall
If I'd only knew
The days were slipping past
That the good things never last
That you were crying
Summer turned to winter
And the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognize the girl you are today
And God I hope it's not too late
It's not too late
'Cause you are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
Until the light comes pouring through
It's when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When your world's crashing down
And you can't bear the cross
I said, babe, you're not lost
Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy but you're not
Things have seemed to change
There's one thing that's still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly fly fly away
'Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we'll get lost together
Until the light comes pouring through
It's when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
And the world's crashing down
And you can not bear the cross
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
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| I feel... |
[15 Jul 2008|11:57pm] |
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 exhausted |
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the social worker told me that I should make sure I'm talking to someone about what happened with my mom, how i feel, etc.
I'm not.
I can't show weakness to my friends or to my dad. nobody understands what I'm going through except kristi. sure that doesn't mean that nobody else cares, but i guess at times like this is when it would be nice to have a boyfriend ya know? Someone to hold you or someone for you to be comfortable around and to be able to cry to, etc. idk. *sigh*
I'm so alone.
I laugh and make jokes to cover my incredible sadness and heartache.
I look fine on the outside, but inside, i'm shreaded.
I want a psychiatrist or someone to talk to. But I can't talk to my friends and cry, and I can't ask my dad for one. :'[
I know that if I don't deal and express my pain now, i'll keep it locked away somewhere and it'll hurt me later more.
I can't believe I'm going to lose my mom. i'm too young. she's too young.
I'd give anything to hug her just one more time.
I havea spanish test tomorrow. I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail it. I havent' done any homework for it all week. and it's too hard to get up and go there everyday. I dont have that strength anymore. I need it for my mom.
I almost would rather die than be without my mom. :[
The only friends making me feel not as alone is kristi, johnna, gay eric, and gay corey. the rest seem to have forgotten about me. :[
oh well. you win some, you lose some i guess. it just sucks that im losing them during a time when i need them the most. :'[
going to cry myself to sleep again.
i finally ate tonight.
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| キラッ☆ |
[15 Jul 2008|07:43am] |
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| IE,Norton is sucks |
[14 Jul 2008|08:03pm] |
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music |
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UFO - Rock Bottom |
] |
IE, Norton is Over and sucks.
Asia is still use those.
But, Japan is some change to FireFox,Safari and others.....
Well, Korea,China is........... Oh F***!!
Ask, do you still use IE,Norton??
Kaspersky > Norton
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| I feel so alone |
[12 Jul 2008|11:03pm] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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My mom is in a coma. First they told us that she'll either be in a coma forever or she'll become a vegetable. Today they told us that she basically has no brain waves, meaning no brain activity due to all the blood and oxygen loss that she had, meaning she's brain dead. a vegetable. All I want to do is hug my mom and feel her arms around me and hear her say she loves me and me say it back. I'll never get that. OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. this hurts so incredibly much. I didnt' think it woudl hurt liek this. I msis my mommy and all i want is her to come bakc to me.
i jjust want to say good bye to her and hear her say i love you one more time. I was cleaning my rooma nd found a card she had slipped under my door prom night, but i never opened it. I jsut threw it in a pile of shit in disgust. Today I opened it and read it. The cover it said with a cute pink daisy by it "you are fabulous" and on the inside it says "in case you ever forget that, please read this again" and my mom wrote in it something like 'you looked beautiful tonight. I hope you had a great time. All my love, mommy.'
IMISS MY MOM SO FUCKING MUCH.
I cant believe this is happeneing. she's never comign jhome. i cna never hug her again. i can never tell her i love her. i can never hear her voice again. I JUST WANT MY MOMMY!!!!
friends say 'im sorry' and 'is there anything i can do?' but there isn't anything to do. Sure, be there for me, but i can't bring myself to cry adn show weakness aroudn any of them.
They ask me how i am, i tell them awful, terrible, not good, etc. then they dont answer back. they don't know what to say to me. i feel like they're all scared of me. i knwo they say they're there and stuff and i get they dont knwo what to say but i just feel so alone because nobody knows how i feel or what i'm goign through so they dont know what to say.
i couldn't stay at johnna's grad party for more than a half hour. the moment i walked over there i wanted to break down a cry. ive decided i can't go to anymore grad parties. they just remind me of the fact that mine is cancelled. so many peopel were goign to come. i was going to make one of those giant picture board thngs. my dad made over 300 meatballs for swedish meatballs because i love them. johnna had 2 picture boards and swedish meatballs. she had everything that i was going to have. i would have had somuch fun at mine. I looked across the fence into my yard. I saw our padio with my mom's rocker in it. i could see her sitting there, smoking a cigarette. I thought about how i'll never see her do it again. i saw the garage and her walking out to it. I heard her voice calling my dad's name. I saw her with her walker walk down the driveway. all taht i'll never see again. it hurt me. i zoned out starring off into my back yard. Lori, johnna's mom, came up and hugged me which brought me out of my stare. she asked how my mom was and i told her. I could barely say it without losing it. I saw everyone staring at me. Her whole family knew what happened. Everyone, people I didnt' even know coming up to me hugging me and not saying anything but i knew why they were. I'd sit at a table by myself and my thoughts would eat at me. I'd snap back to reality and look around me and i'd catch people's eyes from when they were staring. everyone's worreid about me. they know I'm taking it hard dispite my normal appearance.
my dad told me taht I'd still get a grad party but he wasn't sure when. i dont see how i will. i have til the end of august. but who knows when she'll pass or be proclaimed 'legally dead'. then there's the funeral. I can't even imagine how sad and hurt and lonely my mom must have felt when she did this.
when will it stop? i'm tired of crying. my forehead hurts from squinting my eyebrows when crying. my nose keeps running. i haven't had a hug from any of my friends. the best thing that's been done is corey and johnna took me out for ice cream. that's all that's been done. hence, feeling alone.
ive never felt so alone ever.
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| She thought nobody loved her. |
[12 Jul 2008|07:01pm] |
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crushed |
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More bad news today. It's what I always thought and knew, but it's a completely different feeling when it's being said aloud to you. By someone else saying it, it makes it true, it makes it real. I'm not ready to say it yet or believe it yet. Like I said, me hearing it makes it true, but me saying it makes me acknowledge it's true. I'm not ready to accept it yet.
Monday I have spanish class. I refuse to drop out of it because of all the shit in my life right now. I started it, I'm going to finish it. For it may be the only college class I take for a while. Haven't decided yet.
After spanish, i'm going down to the police station to basically express all my anger towards Detective Scotts to his face. He is definitely getting a giant piece of my mind. I'm going to ask him basically why the fuck I'm still not being allowed to see her, especially now with the information I got today. Everyone knows she did it herself. But because of this fucker's disbelief and desire for a more juicy story, I'm not allowed to say good bye to my mom. I will not allow this. I told my dad I'm going to see him and that after my visit if we're still not allowed to see her, he WILL call that lawyer and if he doesn't, I will. he agreed.
I have two plans depending on what happens. ok, 3. I dont feel like I'm ready to discuss any of them yet.
The last things I said to my mom I'm not sure of. But they were probably words of anger or hate. It's been over 2 years since I've told my mom that I love her because all this time I thought I didnt. but now, even with everything she's done, I realize I do love her. I never got to say goodbye. I have an old voicemail from her and she's yelling at me but at the end she says 'i love you'. That's all I have of her.
My mom is dying because she thought that nobody loved her or cared about her when everyone did. :'[
fuck my life. all I need is one more very bad day.
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| Wanted PC game list #2 |
[12 Jul 2008|06:12pm] |
I buy DMC4.
Now here
Just Cause 2
Wheelman
Death Track: Resurrection
Need For Speed Undercover
Those are not release. I'll wait now.
Hey, GTA4 PC release is where??
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| No you can't have my number, cuz I lost my phone... |
[11 Jul 2008|11:41pm] |
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mood |
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 crappy |
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First and for most,
I LOVE MY MIXED CD'S FROM SKIDDY! (eric)
Anyways, mom stuff:
My mother is in a coma due to mass blood loss due to her multiple stab wounds to her heart and side. Her chest isn't even sewn up yet. Basically at this point, she's either going to remain in a coma, or she is going to turn into a vegetable. The doctors say that there are barely any brain waves, meaning, brain dead. *sigh*. I'm refusing to think about what all this means in the long-term sense. If i think about it, i will cry and be sad and hurt and angry. I'm choosing to supress this whole thing and giggle at it in a saddened way and forget it and ignore it. Which worries me because, in like 15 years, am I going to snap and become crazy insane because of everything i've supressed? oh well... like i said, i'm not thinking about it right now.
On another note, today kristi and I went shopping and I bought a new bra and a tank top AND!, a pink shirt that says "Obama" on it but the 'O' in it is a peace sign! LOL! I love it. I'm messaging my soulmate back. I'm pretty pumped. OH! what he said to me was that i was basically awesome. :]
lol, he is amazing.
SO WHAT IF I TALKED TO HIM FOR 40 MINUTES!?
... he's perfect. :]
I want a hug. I havent' had one in so long.
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| I can't take it |
[11 Jul 2008|02:05am] |
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mood |
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crushed |
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6 minutes ago, i was actually happy. in a good mood. then my dad came home.
im so fucking sick of this bullshit around here!
I'm tired of my sister calling me things like 'faggot', 'asshole', 'slut', 'bitch', etc.
I'm tired of my dad saying im useless, calling me a 'waste of life', a 'wasted fuck', a joke, etc.
My dad thinks I'm a whorish failure, my sister is a fucking mentally retarded moron, and my mom is in a coma for stabbing herself in the heart and side.
WHAT THE HELL DID I DO FOR THIS!?!?!?
nothing. that's the answer. I feel like my entire life has been a joke. I feel like I'm a toy God created and he just keeps putting me through absolute hell just to laugh and see how i react to everything and to see how much he can throw at me until I finally say "I QUIT" and fucking kill myself.
I feel like He just keeps saying to me 'take a hint and just off yourself already!'. Being smart and good in school was all I had going for me. But then because of my family, I failed most of senior year and am going to a community college. I have nothing left but a dad whos been having an affair and who's a complete dick to me and a retarded sister and a mom who's in a coma for stabbing herself.
I have friends. i know. but most of them, if I'm gone, they wont miss me. The ones that will miss me, they'll get over it. I'm tired of this. I have no more energy for this. I can't fake smiles anymore. I cant laugh at it. I can't ignore it. I can't deal with it. I want out and at this point, there really is only one way out. and that day, the day I'll get out and be free, it's coming soon. And to think, I almost got to go a day withouth crying since it happened. Now i get to do that the whole night. fuck my life. fuck everyone in it.
'when you were young and on your own, how did it feel to be alone?...'
I'm tired of constantly feeling alone.
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